Summary
An exploration of why disrupted stability can feel like suffering, why people respond differently to hardship, and which practices may help cultivate the capacity to recover.
At a glance
Suffering begins when an established state is disrupted and life starts to feel increasingly out of control. People may respond differently, with differences in resilience offered as one likely explanation. Resilience can be strengthened over a lifetime through meaning, constructive thinking, rest, long-term thinking, self-compassion, and time for recovery, although some pain may be processed while some may remain buried.
Everyone has experienced struggle or pain, yet many of us—I certainly include myself—have never closely examined what that feeling is like or considered how we should respond to this thing we call “suffering.”
I also find “suffering” a strangely mysterious word. It begins as the name of a taste, yet people extend it across the senses until it becomes an experience, an emotion, or a feeling they cannot describe any more precisely and can only call “bitter.”
Suffering Begins When the Old State Is Broken
When an ecosystem is disturbed, it moves outside its normal operating range. Yet because it has resistance and resilience, it will subsequently tend toward stability again.
What happens when an ecosystem is disturbed closely resembles what happens when we encounter hardship: without warning, our everyday lives are changed by forces beyond our control.
Perhaps you suddenly fail a subject on a midterm, a paper you have revised for ages is rejected after resubmission, a partner abruptly ends the relationship, or a friend or family member dies—these are only some of the possibilities.
Whether the change is certain or uncertain, unexpected or understandable in hindsight, our lives are disrupted and begin to slip gradually out of control. That is when suffering begins.
The Occurrence of “Suffering” Will Have Different Effec—
Everyone goes through hardship, but it does not affect us all in the same way. That difference is very likely related to differences in our resilience, a concept much like the resistance of an ecosystem mentioned above.
Imagine that each of us is a ball—perhaps the comparison is not entirely apt—hurled violently into the distance, possibly toward a thicket of thorns. Some people are like rubber balls, some like shot puts, some like tennis balls—these are just a few examples.
Being thrown will necessarily affect us differently because we are made of different “materials” and possess different degrees of resilience.
In The Power of the Sensitive Child, Elaine Allen says that babies can differ enormously in both temperament and the way they develop.
Some children need little more than room to grow and still become cheerful, confident, outgoing little angels; they flourish freely like dandelions.
Sensitive children, by contrast, need attentive parental care. They are like orchids that bloom only with patient cultivation—delicate, yet gentle and quietly beautiful. They have a higher ceiling and more possibilities.
Every trait has its own distinctiveness and value. We have different personalities, different degrees of sensitivity, and different levels of resilience.
Traits are not inherently good or bad; what matters more is how we regard them.
Recovery from Suffering Is Certain
After hardship arrives, the other element mentioned earlier becomes crucial: resilience, or the capacity to recover.
Resilience is the process of adapting well when confronted with adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or other major sources of stress—in other words, the ability to bounce back from difficult experiences. It has three basic characteristics: (1) the ability to accept and overcome reality; (2) the ability to seek life’s deeper meaning during a crisis; and (3) the ability to improvise solutions as circumstances change. It is composed of the following factors (Figure 3):
What, then, can you do to strengthen your resilience? Here are seven suggestions:
• Remember that resilience is an important skill that takes a lifetime to develop.
• Turn every experience into nourishment for your growth.
• Find a sense of meaning and purpose.
• Approach stress and anxiety with a constructive mindset.
• Play more and give yourself more time to relax.
• Put long-term thinking into practice.
• Practice self-compassion.
Whatever happens, our suffering gradually fades with time. It may be digested, or parts of it may simply be buried. Time softens some things. That may sound like an old cliché, but some wisdom handed down through generations really is useful.
So entrust your suffering to time. When hardship arrives and life feels especially difficult, we must give ourselves enough time and space to care for ourselves properly. That truly matters.
Believe that you will always have an inexhaustible strength within you—the strength to cross mountain after mountain, discover new landscapes, and once again feel yourself breathe.
Frequently asked questions
When does suffering begin?
The article presents suffering as beginning when an established state is disrupted, everyday life changes through forces beyond our control, and life starts to slip gradually out of control.
Why does hardship affect people differently?
Differences in resilience are offered as a likely explanation, not as a proven or exclusive cause. The article also emphasizes differences in personality and sensitivity without treating those traits as inherently good or bad.
What are the three basic characteristics of resilience?
They are the ability to accept and overcome reality, seek life’s deeper meaning during a crisis, and improvise solutions as circumstances change.
How can someone strengthen resilience?
The suggestions are to treat resilience as a lifelong skill, use experience as nourishment for growth, find meaning and purpose, approach stress constructively, make time for play and relaxation, practice long-term thinking, and practice self-compassion.
Does time always completely resolve suffering?
The article says suffering gradually fades with time, but preserves an important qualification: pain may be digested, while some parts may instead be buried. During hardship, people need enough time and space to care for themselves.
