Summary
Children may begin underestimating a new peer’s goodwill around age five. Research on the liking gap suggests that the pattern grows as self-image concerns and social inference become more sophisticated.
At a glance
The “liking gap” is the tendency to believe another person likes us less than we like them. In a study of children aged four to eleven, it appeared from age five onward and widened with age, mainly because older children estimated that their partners liked them less. Wolf interprets this pattern as a result of growing concern about self-image and increasingly sophisticated social inference.
“Was what I said a little inappropriate?” “Did that tone and expression mean they weren’t happy with me?” Two simple questions like these can instantly send someone with social anxiety into a spiral.
These questions reflect how much we care about what other people think of us, something even mature adults regularly consider. That awareness helps us adjust our behavior, interact with others more effectively, and find our place in a group.
Yet this kind of thinking can also produce curious misunderstandings. Boothby and colleagues identified a phenomenon they called the “liking gap.” After two strangers spend a short time together, each estimates both how much they like the other person and how much the other person likes them. The researchers found that both people tend to believe the other likes them less than they themselves like the other person. Put simply, each walks away thinking, “I quite like them, but they probably don’t like me as much.”
In a study published this year, Wolf and colleagues examined the liking gap among children. They recruited 260 children between the ages of four and eleven at a museum.
Children of similar ages who had never met were paired up and given five minutes to build a tall tower together with blocks, creating an opportunity for two strangers to interact. Afterward, two researchers took the children to separate rooms and asked each of them six questions. The children answered every question by choosing from seven facial-expression options. Each set of three questions was converted into a liking score, and the first score minus the second produced a measure of that child’s liking gap.
The results showed a clear liking gap among every age group except the youngest, the four-year-olds. From age five onward, children tended to feel that they liked the other child more than the other child liked them. Among those aged five and above, the gap also widened with age, reflecting growing self-doubt and uncertainty.
The children’s behavior closely matched Boothby’s earlier theory. The researchers argued that the liking gap in adults stems from concern about one’s self-image. Because people care about others’ judgments and do not want to make a bad impression, they pay close attention to even slightly negative signals. Dwelling too heavily on these tiny details pushes their conclusions in a negative direction, making them think others will dislike them because of what happened.
Earlier research has found that children begin paying particular attention to their own image at around age five. Just as they start becoming conscious of how they appear, the liking gap begins to emerge, turning them—playfully speaking—into tiny sufferers of social anxiety.
Wolf and colleagues also identified the main reason the children’s liking gap grew with age: older children gave progressively lower scores for how much they thought the other child liked them, while their own liking for the other child remained roughly unchanged. In other words, they were becoming less confident about themselves, not increasingly fond of the other person.
Wolf believes this happens because children’s ability to infer other people’s mental states becomes more sophisticated. As they grow older, they become increasingly capable of recognizing that another child’s seemingly warm and friendly behavior may be intended to make that child appear friendly, rather than arising entirely from genuine liking. It is a realistic inference and a sign of maturing social skills, but it also makes children judge how others see them more negatively.
Although it may seem that everyone has the potential to develop socially anxious tendencies from childhood, remember that this is a liking gap: sincere, two-way communication can bring the other person’s goodwill back into view.
Behind the Misperception, They Like You More Than You Think
Frequently asked questions
What is the liking gap?
The liking gap is the tendency for people to believe that another person likes them less than they themselves like that person after an interaction.
At what age did the liking gap appear in the children’s study?
The study found a clear liking gap from age five onward. Four-year-olds, the youngest group, were the exception.
Why did the liking gap widen with age?
Older children gave progressively lower estimates of how much the other child liked them, while their own liking for the other child remained roughly unchanged. Wolf interprets this as a consequence of increasingly sophisticated inferences about other people’s mental states.
Can communication reduce the misperception?
The article concludes that sincere, two-way communication can bring the other person’s goodwill back into view because both sides may be underestimating how much the other likes them.
