How Regret Shapes Choices and Ways to Ease Its Hold

What regret is

Regret is an unpleasant emotion that often arises when we compare an outcome we have received, or expect to receive, with a better outcome that might have been possible. We make a decision, then wonder: “Would things have turned out better if I'd chosen differently?”

It is also an emotion people talk about frequently. Regret has been reported as second only to love among the emotional experiences people mention most often.

Some research suggests that overestimating the appeal of the option we did not choose may contribute to regret. Its familiar language is counterfactual: “If only I'd done that, things would be different now.” “If only I could have…”

Researchers distinguish three types according to when regret occurs: anticipated regret, pre-outcome regret, and experienced regret.

Anticipated regret involves forecasting a feeling. We imagine making a choice and picture the regret that might follow. When considering a relationship, for example, you might feel certain that being with a particular person would eventually make you regret it. That expectation can lead you to rule out the relationship and choose the option you believe will spare you regret.

Experienced regret comes after something has happened and the outcome has proved relatively negative. Suppose I buy a lipstick, try it on, and discover that it looks completely different from what I imagined—and looks awful on me. I regret buying it. That experience may change my next decision: when I shop for lipstick again, I remind myself to avoid that color.

How regret shapes our choices

When acting feels worse than doing nothing

In 1982, Kahneman and Tversky identified the action effect: when action and inaction lead to equally bad outcomes, people tend to regret taking action more than doing nothing.

Every impulse purchase sitting around the house becomes another reminder: “Why couldn't I keep my hands off the buy button?”

Choosing the least regret instead of the least risk

Regret avoidance means choosing the option expected to produce the least regret rather than the option carrying the least risk. The concern becomes less “How risky is this?” and more “How badly will I regret having done it?”

Consider a hypothetical vaccination decision. A mother learns that a particular vaccine could cause her child's death. Fearing how much she would regret authorizing it, she decides against vaccination—even though, in this scenario, the risk of death from the vaccine is far lower than the risk of death from the disease.

Her choice minimizes the regret she anticipates feeling about taking action, even as it exposes her child to the greater risk described in the example.

Letting a missed opportunity stop the next decision

Regret can also feed inaction inertia. After missing an especially attractive opportunity, we become less likely to take a similar opportunity that follows, even when the later offer is still better than what is normally available.

Imagine finding a pair of shoes you want during a major holiday sale. The price is right, but you forget to buy them. When you remember the next day, the main sale has ended. There is a follow-up promotion, so the shoes are still discounted, just less generously than before.

Do you buy them?

A common response is: “Forget it. I won't buy them at all.” The earlier bargain becomes the reference point, and a still worthwhile offer loses its appeal. Having missed the best opportunity, we let the next one pass too.

Ways to ease regret

Continually dwelling on a past we cannot change, while allowing regret to torment us, is hardly a wise choice. But how can we make regret less consuming?

Change whom you compare yourself with

One suggestion is to reduce upward comparisons and make more downward comparisons.

A passage attributed to Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People expresses the underlying concern: many of life's troubles come from blindly comparing ourselves with others and forgetting to enjoy our own lives.

Downward comparison means comparing yourself with people who are doing less well than you. Lateral comparison means comparing yourself with people at a similar level. Both may serve a protective function by easing the negative emotional effects of stress, threats to self-esteem, and experiences of failure.

Upward comparison—measuring yourself against people doing better—can bring more negative emotion into everyday life. The research discussed here also suggests that, as people grow older, they increasingly use downward comparisons to affirm that their own lives are going well.

Lower or reassess a goal

Lowering a goal, or reassessing the negative impact associated with it, may also ease regret. A study involving an imagined vacation illustrates the idea.

Two groups of participants imagined choosing between destinations A and B. After weighing the options, they selected A because they wanted warm sunshine. Once everything was booked, however, the forecast predicted rain throughout their stay at A, while the destination they had rejected, B, would be sunny.

Some participants, assigned to the lowered-goal group, then wrote down ten things they could still do on the trip even if it rained. Afterward, they rated how much they regretted choosing A.

The control group did no writing exercise. They simply imagined the situation and rated their regret.

The lowered-goal group reported less regret than the control group. Their imagined destination had not changed, but they had considered what the vacation could still offer beyond the sunshine they originally wanted.

Let time bring perspective

The idea that time heals finds some support in research on differences between age groups. Older adults have been found to recall the past more positively than younger adults. They are also less likely to use strategies that can create future regret, such as searching extensively for the “best possible choice.”

Research also suggests that, with increasing age, recalling regretted events is associated with lower intensity in several related emotions: gratitude, irritation, anger, and despair.

Perhaps this is part of what people mean when they say that time puts things in perspective.

What regret can give us

A life entirely without regret may be beyond reach. Even so, changing how we view regret, and the events behind it, can create room for growth. Research identifies five ways it may help.

Understanding the past

Regret can help us make sense of what happened and accept an outcome we did not want. The events we regret belong to a past we can no longer change. What remains possible is acceptance and growth.

Preparing to pursue another opportunity

Regret can help us get ready to act and think about what we will do differently in the future. As the saying goes, if you missed the sunrise, do not miss the sunset too.

A lost opportunity can become a reason to prepare for the next one.

Avoiding another harmful mistake

Regret can also encourage avoidance where avoidance is useful. Remembering an experience we regret may help us stop repeating the same mistake or steer clear of dangerous and harmful actions. A hard lesson can make us wiser.

Seeing ourselves more clearly

Regretted experiences can reveal patterns in our behavior and help us understand the effects of our actions. That understanding may encourage self-reflection, deeper insight, and personal growth.

Supporting our relationships

Regret may help us understand other people's thoughts and feelings and improve our relationships with them.

Perhaps you once lacked the courage to tell someone how you felt and lost the chance to be with them. Years later, a friend is struggling to decide whether to confess their feelings to someone they like. Sharing your own story may give that friend courage and support.

Perhaps the same applies to regret.